It’s no secret that pregnant women go through some pretty significant hormonal changes. It’s almost like going through all of puberty in the space of a few months instead of close to a decade.
The worst scare of my life
The other morning I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. I had been awake for maybe 10 minutes, comfortable in the certain knowledge that I had the house to myself because my husband was working night shift that week.
I suddenly hear a noise behind me, and turn around to see my smiling husband standing in the bathroom doorway.
I can honestly say I have never been more terrified in my life.
My brain all but switched off. It was like I was all of a sudden in a dream, a nightmare. The only thought that ran through my mind in the seconds before reality hit was “No, you’re not supposed to be here”. It was wrong, it was all wrong. Like the part of a horrible nightmare when you realise how bad it is. Everything is just wrong. I knew he was at work, so there was no reason in any reality why he would be standing there in front of me, and because of that my brain switched off.
I think I muttered something, I don’t really remember. I was just so truly terrified that I burst into tears.
Once a second or so had passed, I realised he must have come home early from work, and it was perfectly logical that he’d come in to see me when he realised I was awake. This realisation washed over me, but I couldn’t stop crying. I was well and truly shook, something I’ve never experienced to that level before.
Thankfully my husband is truly wonderful. He just held me and reassured me until I could get myself under control again. We laughed about it a bit together, but mostly he was concerned about me and apologetic for scaring me so bad.
Ups and Downs
Apart from that one incident, my emotions haven’t changed all too much throughout this pregnancy so far. At least not from what I can tell.
I haven’t had weepy episodes, and my anger levels are about normal. I probably get a bit more impatient quicker and have a lower tolerance for crap, but I don’t know if that’s the hormones or the tiredness. Probably a combination of both. Working in a high school is possibly not the best place when you’re running on a slightly shorter fuse, but I’m very careful and conscious about how I react and respond to my environment. I’ve been down the path of stress and anxiety induced nastiness before and have absolutely no desire to return there again.
I have been feeling a bit flat throughout the pregnancy though. Not depressed (also been there and done that before, I now know what that looks and feels like in me), but maybe not as happy and excited as I thought I would be. It’s like all the things I want to be excited about, or ‘should’ be excited about, I talk myself out of feeling too much about them. The first few weeks after we found out I was pregnant I didn’t let myself get too excited because I knew there was a risk of miscarriage. I was also concerned about how my husband would react – we had planned to fall pregnant, but not quite this quickly, and I didn’t know if he’d actually be happy about it. Thankfully he got over the shock after a week or so, and I honestly believe he is more excited about it than I am! During all three scans I was super happy and excited, but then by the time we got home I was flat again. I don’t know what the cause of these sorts of feelings are, but they are annoying.
Now that my tummy is getting quite round, and I’ve had a week or so off work and been to a few antenatal appointment, I can feel the excitement building finally. I feel like now I’m letting myself relax into the changes and be happy about what is happening.
I wonder if maybe I am repressing some stress to do with it all.
I know I am stressed about still not knowing if I will have paid maternity leave or not, and the impact it will all have on our finances. My husband is really worried about that side of it, and I feel like I’m taking all that onto myself. I’ve even found myself looking at second jobs for the rest of this year or jobs I can do while on maternity leave just to boost my income. (For the record, I found out that I can’t be earning an income and receive paid maternity leave at the same time, so there goes that idea). I feel really guilty about it, like it’s wrong of me to be pregnant because it means I won’t be bringing in my income for the time I’m on leave. I know that’s ridiculous, but that’s how it is for me at the moment.
I’m also stressed about the changes this is going to make to our lives, to my life. I’ve always been very independent, liking my own space and being in control. I know all that’s going to change, and I wonder if I resent that a bit. I’m enjoying my career and these websites I’m running, and all that will have to change when the baby is born.
That’s all a very strange feeling to me, because all I’ve ever wanted out of life is to be a mum. I was going to have 2 children and be a stay-at-home mum at least until they started school. Then I would get a part time job, so I could still be the main person who raised my children. At least it was before going into teaching. Don’t get me wrong, I still very much want to be a mum, but I feel like I’m so much more than ‘just’ a mum and I don’t think I want that to change. I’ve always wanted a good career, and have worked since I was in grade 10 (13 years now!). I really do enjoy working, and separately to that I enjoy earning money. I couldn’t fathom just throwing in a job because I was sick of it, or not having a job and sitting around home. I’ve been on school holidays for the past week and a half, and have found so many things to fill my time that will work to advance my career opportunities. These days it’s like I’m finding excuses to work more, instead of finding excuses to slow down or quit (which seems to be the more standard response from people talking about their jobs). I seem to not be able to not work.Now that we have a baby on the way and are expanding our family I feel like it’s even more important to me than ever before to have a good, stable job so I can be bringing in an income for us. I know that will change when the baby is born – even if I’m not working I certainly won’t be sitting around home doing nothing. But I’m worried being a mum won’t fulfil me in the same way as my job does.
Who knows. It’s all very new and scary and exciting. All I can do is wait and see how it all unfolds!